Stacy was hurt by his offhand comment. She ruminated over it, and began watching Collin's every move. Soon she began to feel intense resentment toward him. As she watched him, she saw that he always stretched the rules: He made personal long distance calls on the office phone, and sat around his office reading the newspaper in the morning. When she confronted him on wasting time, he claimed he was thinking. When he got the grant he became intolerable. He acted as if he were her boss. All of these things added to Stacy's resentment.
Stacy prided herself on being efficient--she was organized and had everything at her fingertips. One of the things she needed was a typewriter, and she could see no reason why she-the administrative assistant in charge of the typing pool-shouldn't have a typewriter in her office. She made an agreement with Collin about leaving the typewriter in the conference room, but it just didn't work out, because it took too long to go into the conference room several times a day.
And Collin didn’t need the typewriter that often, anyway. At most, he used it once every other day. They finally had a big argument over the typewriter. Stacy had several letters she had to get out by the end of the day. When she came back from lunch, Collin had the typewriter, but he wasn't using it. For nearly an hour and a half, he had it on his desk but didn't type. Stacy was certain about this-she had timed him.
When she politely asked him to hurry, he made some nasty remark about getting his fair share. Then he spent 22 minutes talking to Bill, another planner. When Stacy went a second time to prompt Collin, she heard Collin and Bill laughing and making plans to meet after work. She told Collin that she had work to do. He threw a tantrum and started shouting at her. As far as Stacy was concerned, that was the limit-she went straight to George.
Stacy's hostility toward Collin went beyond the immediate problem of sharing the typewriter. In fact, the typewriter was not the primary problem at all; it was merely a pretext. But when Stacy told her story to George, she didn't mention her feelings about being excluded from the office social activities. Stacy herself might not have been entirely aware of her feelings--most people don't like to admit, even to themselves, that they feel resentment. Negative feelings toward others tend to attach themselves to one event after another.
Insignificant things become antagonizing.
Always encourage disputants to express their feelings. Many times they are not aware of how another is reacting to them. Collin knew Stacy watched him constantly, but he didn't realize that she felt he was excluding her. Usually, disputants will attempt to cover up their feelings, because they don't want to look petty or immature. But in attempting to mask their feelings, they frequently fail to state the problem in its entirety. They tell the most acceptable part of their story, and their withholding makes resolution of the problem difficult.
Being impartial helps considerably here: Listening to the disputants' feelings without suggesting your personal reaction will make it easier for them. But don't expect this to happen spontaneously: Hostility and other negative emotions are easier to express than hurt feelings. It is much easier for Stacy to say, "You irritate me because you're selfish" than for her to say, "I was hurt because I was not invited."
Even when a conflict has a substantive basis, there is invariably an emotional overlay. When these feelings are ignored, they can interfere with problem solving and take on a life of their own. That is, once the original problem has been resolved, the feelings remain and color future interactions.
The feeling checkout is very effective. This technique involves a reflection, presented tentatively, of the feelings you are sensing. Reflecting can be a little tricky. It is easy to inadvertently comment on the feeling rather than simply to reflect. You cannot comment on another's feeling without implying an evaluation.
There are three places in the conflict interview where feeling checkouts are helpful. First, it is useful when there is a discrepancy or inconsistency in what the disputant is saying. Sometimes the discrepancy is between the verbal and nonverbal communications-for ex ample, sneering while saying, "I think Joe does a good job." A feeling checkout response might be, "I sense you have some negative feelings about Joe's work." Second, it can be helpful when one thing the disputant says contradicts something else he or she said. For example, a disputant might say, "I like working with Margaret," and then might complain about Margaret. An appropriate feeling checkout would be, "Do you mean that though you like Margaret, there are some things she does that bug you?" A third situation in which a feeling checkout works well is when a strong emotion is implicit in the disputant's remarks. For example: "I’ll tell you one thing. You won't catch me sticking my neck out again in staff meetings." To this one might say, "Do you mean you took a risk and now you're sorry you spoke up?" You will encounter times when the emotion is strongly expressed, but the disputant can't speak about it. Crying is a good example. You might say, "You seem to feel hurt and don't seem to know how to talk about it."
Don't belabor the point: If after three or four attempts to encourage the disputant to express feelings, that individual is still reticent, then it would be best to let it drop. Some people find it extremely difficult to talk about their emotional reactions, but even when they don't respond in a way you might want them to; the feeling checkout communicates your willingness to listen.
